"It's Hard to Stalk You When You Never Post Anything"

I've been haunted by the words of my friend (thanks Gina) the last couple weeks. It's not that I forget to blog, but obviously A LOT has happened since my last post that it seems daunting and unfair to the incredible things that have happened to just pick up and go most importantly- this guy right here!

Emerson has changed my life exponentially for the better and he lights up my whole world with his sweet smile and sunny disposition. Someday I will post his birth story because it is truly a miracle and deserves to be shouted from the rooftops. But today is not that day.

I also got a new brother (in-law) who is hilarious, smart, hard working, and most importantly loves my sister and makes her so incredibly happy.





We went to San Francisco, Mexico, the Grand Canyon, Texas, Europe, and lots of trips to Anaheim and Utah. Basically we have had an amazing year+ since the last time I blogged

 

But today I'm blogging about my number 1 guy, Dallen Tade! My very best friend, my partner, my motivator, and who some would consider the most brave and patient man alive to have wanted to marry me.

This week he graduated from ASU and I have been doing a lot of reflecting. When we decided to get married I knew he wanted to move to Arizona, what I didn't know was what that really meant or how hard it would be. We moved here in the dead middle of August with no home, no jobs, no money, no family or friends. All we had was each other and everything we could fit into our two cars and we did it all for the hope that we would make it to today.

We didn't even own a bed until we had been married almost a year. We have moved 5 times, had 5 cars and 1 motorcycle, 7 jobs *there was a time when I had 3 at once*, made lots of friends, lost lots of friends, been told we couldn't have a baby, had a baby, genuinely hated each other, but mostly loved, and countless other ups and downs that would fill up more memory than the internet can hold. When I think about it all, I almost cant believe it's real and it happened to us.

BUT HERE WE ARE!

           Literally our whole life together has been spent, dreaming, working, and sacrificing for this moment.

 So... Now what?

Now we wait in limbo for "real life" to begin. We pray, we love, we be so very happy we reached this huge milestone, and we hope for the right job to come along then we work towards new goals. I love Dallen, our son, our life together and I can't wait for the next adventure

 

Failure

We tried our first round of artificial insemination last month... What a disaster!


The whole process is so stressful, at least one (very invasive) doctors appointment a week, a handful of pills everyday, I gave MYSELF a shot in the butt, I gained 10 pounds, and not to mention more people have seen my junk in the last month than probably have in my entire life. All in all for our first cycle cost us $820... yeah. I get so frustrated thinking about how much money we have and potentially will spend on just trying to get pregnant alone, an activity that a lot of people do ON ACCIDENT!
It's been 2 weeks since we found out it didn't work, during that time I have basically been mourning a death... it's the best way I can explain it. I've worked through the 5 stages of grief, I haven't done anything or talked to anyone unless I had to. I didn't imagine feeling so awful about it not working, I knew it was a possibility but since my doctor classified me as "fertile Myrtle" and that our odds were less of "if it works" and more "how many babies" my hopes were really high, I thought for sure it worked, I had all the symptoms but in the end there was just no baby. I don't know why it didn't work, I mean... scientifically it should be fail-proof. People who know (not very many) keep telling me "it's not the right time, God has a plan, when it's supposed to happen it will" even though I know it's true, I'm so sick of being told that. I don't want to wait, I've waited. We're good people, we're married, we love each other, we support ourselves financially without any outside help, we are active, we work hard... why do 15 year old's get babies? Drug addicts? Why do some people get to have as many as they could possibly want, more than they can take care of? I just don't understand, and I'm frustrated DAMN-IT!

Anyway... what can we do? Just keep trying... all my frustrations and anger and sadness don't change our situation. BUT, just when we finally get going after years of month after month after month of trying and failing. We finally have a real chance of getting pregnant, and our first round of insemination was such a HUGE failure that we have to wait at least one maybe 2 months before we can try again. Unfortunately, all of the hormones and pills I was taking to help over stimulated my ovaries and during my first appointment for our second cycle of insemination, my doctor found 2 large cysts one on each ovary. She put me on birth control which will essentially shut down my ovaries and give them a rest, they should resolve themselves and we can try again when they do. In the meantime I'm trying to drop those 10 pounds, save a few bucks, and go spend time with my family for thanksgiving... I miss them. It's hard living so far away from everyone, I feel so alone sometimes. It would be nice to have my sisters (sisters-in-law) around.

 I'm trying to be thankful for what I have... or don't have. Not having kids does have it's perks, I sleep when and however long I want. Dallen and I can literally pick up and go anywhere, anytime without a second thought. I love Dallen, if I can say anything about this whole experience it's that we are closer than ever. He is so supportive and even though I KNOW hearing me cry about babies gets old fast, he just holds me and tells me he loves me and sometimes that's all I want. We'll have kids someday, in the meantime I'll just keep doting over all my pregnant friends and their babies:). Maybe I'm just destined to be the worlds most amazing aunt... time will tell.

The First of Many

***DISCLAIMER***
The next unknown amount of posts are going to be about our infertility journey, some may be graphic, sad, or have too much info. Read or don't read, doesn't matter. I have debated greatly about weather or not to blog about our struggle since its a vulnerable situation that is often times embarrassing and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for us. But I have found a lot of comfort from other women's blogs and hope maybe someone out there will read mine :)

It seems like every night lately I dream about babies. This morning while I was getting ready for work, listening to Pandora as usual, a John Mayer song came on that says:

 

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe"

 

While I realize this song is talking about a significant other, I sometimes feel similarly about our baby situation. Before we found out we were infertile I very rarely dreamed of babies, and if I did, they were never my own. Maybe it's partially the mentality of being told I can't makes me want it more. My heart truly is broken, with every forced smile, every passing baby bump, pregnant friend, pregnant teen, every movie/ tv show where people have babies in bad situations, it seems to crack a little more. Sometimes I just burst into uncontrollable sobs until there are no more tears and I feel like throwing up.

 

During our struggle to have a baby I've noticed a few things; people either want to tell me all kinds of things that are unintentionally hurtful (or sometimes intentionally), or they avoid talking to me about anything baby.

 

First of all, I LOVE babies. I get excited when people are pregnant, is it hard to hear sometimes? of course. But I don't blame anyone for our situation or hold it against them for being more fertile than us.  

 

Second of all, things no one struggling with infertility wants to hear:

 

When are you going to have kids?

There's something in the water, everyone's pregnant.

We got pregnant the first try with every kid

Stop trying, it will happen

Just adopt

Everything happens for a reason

you're young, why would you want a kid?

My personal favorite: Have you tried standing on your head, putting a pillow under your butt, drinking cough syrup, eating a bagel before. I love when people tell me how to have "get pregnant sex" (sarcasm included)

 

I feel slightly bad writing this post because I don't want anyone to think "will this girl ever shut up about it" or "oh no, I'm pregnant. She must hate me" I just need to vent, it's not an attack on anyone, and maybe I do need to shut up about it, but sadly it's a fact of my life I'll be dealing with for many years to come... this is just the tip of the iceberg. Also, I don't know that anyone actually reads my blog anyways!

The good, the bad, the journey

The last several months have been a huge whirlwind of emotions for us! Both good and bad.

We hit our 2 year in Arizona mark on August 18th! Some days I feel like it has been forever, others it seems like a blink of the eye. During this time I have felt like we have had a lot of bad experiences, like every major decision we have made has ended in miserable failure I know that sounds terrible but I have really struggled during our time here. With us going into our 3rd year at ASU we filled out (another) application for instate tuition at the beginning of the summer.

Dallens best friend Danny got married the day Dallen was supposed to start school and before we left my in-laws house the morning of the wedding, Dallen got the sad email that our application for tuition was denied. Needless to say we were upset furious! We had an hour drive to the temple where we (mostly me) cried and discussed what our options were. I was so angry I felt I shouldn't go to the wedding. But we decided to put our feelings aside and do our best to make that day about Danny and Gina.

 

I'm so thankful for my Heavenly Father. I know he put us in the right place at the right time, while we watched them get married for time and eternity it reminded us of what is most important. Each other. The anger and bitterness I felt before I entered the temple was overwhelming, but while in the temple that day the problems went out of our minds and we were able to love and support our friend and that day ended up being very special and enjoyable.  

 

We decided we had a few options and hope was not yet lost. We applied for an appeal with ASU where we were given a date (September 18th) when we would meet before a board and have 30 minutes to argue our case. We also applied to Utah State University and made arrangements to transfer starting in January just in case we were denied the appeal.

 

During the month between our initial denial and our appeal date we did a lot of fasting and praying, with the support of many family and friends. We had a huge decision to make. On one hand I love Utah and I know we would be happy there since that is where our families are and if we had to move then I felt like it would be ok. On the other, while we hate Arizona, we have built a life here; we both have jobs, we have a home that we have come to love and make our own, we are both in school (I just started this month!) and we have made so many great friends we would be sad to leave behind. 

 

I am a woman of little faith, I struggle with many things spiritually and while I have seen the Lord work miracles in my life it is hard for me to not feel like I am sometimes alone. I prayed that the lord would comfort me regardless of what decision the board came to, I prayed that I would learn to trust in His timing and that I would have the faith required to know He knew what was best for me. 

About a week before our appeal date I was feeling very strongly that the BEST option for us would be that we would be granted instate tuition and that we could stay here and finish his education with ASU. (For reasons I will post in future blogs)

 

Going into the hearing, I felt convinced we would not get it. I was so nervous and upset, I had spent the day putting together a folder full of emails, tax forms, bank statements, pay stubs anything and everything I thought would give us an edge. I felt so small and insignificant going into it, and if you know me you know I have a temper, and I have strong opinions. I worked very hard at being the most sweet, kind young woman I could be and answered all their questions honestly and respectfully. In the end it was a "no brainer" the questions they had about our financial independence were put to rest and we were granted our appeal!

 

We have both worked so hard and sacrificed so much to be where we are, I know the Lord is aware of us and I think I needed this trial in a way to be able to see that. Even though I would have been more than happy without it.

 

So we will be here for the next 2 years at least. I know we still have a long road ahead of us with many more trials, but I'm glad I picked a good, kind, patient man who loves and supports me through all the junk and support and love of such a large family and group of friends.

 



our new digs

Some pictures of our little town house as requested by my mom. Was going to wait until it was a little cleaner, but that will probably never happen ;)

a shameful yet hopeful post without pictures about a young married girl with a boring life but that you should still read... if you so choose.

Its been quite sometime since I have blogged and I will tell you why.
We've been stuck in a rut! our first 2 years of marriage seem to be much harder than I could have ever anticipated. Still wonderful, still love Dallen more than anything and my love for him increases every day, But we have definitely had many trials in our short time together mix that with me working 2 jobs and him going to school and working full time and only seeing each other every couple days for a few hours at night you get two frustrated, sleep deprived, most times a little depressed, hard working, relatively unhealthy adults! NO bueno.

So last night while lying awake in bed (Dallen fast asleep taking up most of it! mind you we only have a full size bed!) I decided a few things.
1. we need a bigger bed.
2. things need to change

Even though I do work almost everyday, I only work maybe 5 hours a day and the rest of the day I do absolutely NOTHING but sleep, watch tv, and eat and justify my laziness with "I work tomorrow so I need to relax the rest of the day" which is not true. Its lazy, and my body is starting to see some effects, which I do not like at all. I take long naps during the day which means I don't sleep well at night and often make up for it by sleeping until 12 then coming home from work and taking a 4 hour "nap"

so the first change I'm making is this:
GO TO BED EARLY, WAKE UP EARLY

Dallen also reminds me every once in a while (I think he would do it more often if he wasn't so nice to me) that I have no hobbies or anything that I am passionate about. Which is true, I've always been a hard worker and other than high school sports never cared to find something I really loved doing, and I really struggle with finding something I can really love doing as much as D loves BYU football ;)

the second change:
FIND A HOBBY THAT WILL KEEP MY HANDS AND BODY BUSY

since our schedules are busy we don't eat at home together, which leaves D eating taco bell every day, and I'm never motivated enough to make myself anything at home so we are both often groggy and have no energy.

the third change:
MAKE AND EAT MORE HEALTHY FOODS

Lastly, I regret to say that our home is not centered around the Lord. Sadly our spiritual needs are only met for a few hours on Sunday and some weeks even that doesn't happen. This is my biggest change, I know the Lord loves us and has blessed us in many ways, and I know that the church is true and have seen it work miracles in my life. I've never read the Book of Mormon. So each day when I wake up early that's what I'm going to start doing.

the fourth change:
INVOLVE THE LORD IN EVERY WAY, EVERYDAY

So for the next 30 days I'm going to try doing things a little differently. I hope I will see a big change in our lives and can make our home healthier and happier, I'm also going to start exercising everyday! Since I'm a notorious quitter and never finish anything I start I'm blogging about it so if anyone actually does read this you can feel free to shoot me a reminder every once in a while I'm also going to keep a chart of my progress maybe that will be my first step for finding something to keep me busy, make a cute progress chart! oh, I'm so excited!

so, that being said... here goes day 1

my most amazing mother(s)

This is my mom. 

                                                                       Isn't she beautiful?!
In my life I have had the privilege of knowing so many great women. She is by far the best, I haven't always felt that way and its taken me a couple of years of being on my own to appreciate how wonderful she is. But boy do I know it now. I call her all the time for advice or just to talk and I love every phone call. She has become one of my best friends, I respect her more than anyone for putting up with me through the many years I was more than a pain in the A. For loving me every time I need her, for kicking my butt, for teaching me the value of hard work, letting me make my own choices even when I know it was hard for her to just sit back and watch. For always teaching me.
I love my mom, and I hope someday I'm even half the woman she is.

that being said.

being the young woman I was and still kind of am... it took not one amazing mom but 3 to shape me into the vision of perfection you know and love today ;)

One to just love and listen. One to be my forever mother. And one to tell me like it is and kick me into shape. They are all truly amazing women and mothers day was made for them.

now that I'm married I have another mother, and I love her because she raised my husband and taught him how to be a man who respects and loves all women but especially me.

and of course...

my sisters. duh.

happy  mothers day to ALLLLLL of the mothers in my life.