Thursday, October 3, 2013

The First of Many

The next unknown amount of posts are going to be about our infertility journey, some may be graphic, sad, or have too much info. Read or don't read, doesn't matter. I have debated greatly about weather or not to blog about our struggle since its a vulnerable situation that is often times embarrassing and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for us. But I have found a lot of comfort from other women's blogs and hope maybe someone out there will read mine :)

It seems like every night lately I dream about babies. This morning while I was getting ready for work, listening to Pandora as usual, a John Mayer song came on that says:
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe"
While I realize this song is talking about a significant other, I sometimes feel similarly about our baby situation. Before we found out we were infertile I very rarely dreamed of babies, and if I did, they were never my own. Maybe it's partially the mentality of being told I can't makes me want it more. My heart truly is broken, with every forced smile, every passing baby bump, pregnant friend, pregnant teen, every movie/ tv show where people have babies in bad situations, it seems to crack a little more. Sometimes I just burst into uncontrollable sobs until there are no more tears and I feel like throwing up.
During our struggle to have a baby I've noticed a few things; people either want to tell me all kinds of things that are unintentionally hurtful (or sometimes intentionally), or they avoid talking to me about anything baby.
First of all, I LOVE babies. I get excited when people are pregnant, is it hard to hear sometimes? of course. But I don't blame anyone for our situation or hold it against them for being more fertile than us.  
Second of all, things no one struggling with infertility wants to hear:
When are you going to have kids?
There's something in the water, everyone's pregnant.
We got pregnant the first try with every kid
Stop trying, it will happen
Just adopt
Everything happens for a reason
you're young, why would you want a kid?
My personal favorite: Have you tried standing on your head, putting a pillow under your butt, drinking cough syrup, eating a bagel before. I love when people tell me how to have "get pregnant sex" (sarcasm included)
I feel slightly bad writing this post because I don't want anyone to think "will this girl ever shut up about it" or "oh no, I'm pregnant. She must hate me" I just need to vent, it's not an attack on anyone, and maybe I do need to shut up about it, but sadly it's a fact of my life I'll be dealing with for many years to come... this is just the tip of the iceberg. Also, I don't know that anyone actually reads my blog anyways!