Failure

We tried our first round of artificial insemination last month... What a disaster!


The whole process is so stressful, at least one (very invasive) doctors appointment a week, a handful of pills everyday, I gave MYSELF a shot in the butt, I gained 10 pounds, and not to mention more people have seen my junk in the last month than probably have in my entire life. All in all for our first cycle cost us $820... yeah. I get so frustrated thinking about how much money we have and potentially will spend on just trying to get pregnant alone, an activity that a lot of people do ON ACCIDENT!
It's been 2 weeks since we found out it didn't work, during that time I have basically been mourning a death... it's the best way I can explain it. I've worked through the 5 stages of grief, I haven't done anything or talked to anyone unless I had to. I didn't imagine feeling so awful about it not working, I knew it was a possibility but since my doctor classified me as "fertile Myrtle" and that our odds were less of "if it works" and more "how many babies" my hopes were really high, I thought for sure it worked, I had all the symptoms but in the end there was just no baby. I don't know why it didn't work, I mean... scientifically it should be fail-proof. People who know (not very many) keep telling me "it's not the right time, God has a plan, when it's supposed to happen it will" even though I know it's true, I'm so sick of being told that. I don't want to wait, I've waited. We're good people, we're married, we love each other, we support ourselves financially without any outside help, we are active, we work hard... why do 15 year old's get babies? Drug addicts? Why do some people get to have as many as they could possibly want, more than they can take care of? I just don't understand, and I'm frustrated DAMN-IT!

Anyway... what can we do? Just keep trying... all my frustrations and anger and sadness don't change our situation. BUT, just when we finally get going after years of month after month after month of trying and failing. We finally have a real chance of getting pregnant, and our first round of insemination was such a HUGE failure that we have to wait at least one maybe 2 months before we can try again. Unfortunately, all of the hormones and pills I was taking to help over stimulated my ovaries and during my first appointment for our second cycle of insemination, my doctor found 2 large cysts one on each ovary. She put me on birth control which will essentially shut down my ovaries and give them a rest, they should resolve themselves and we can try again when they do. In the meantime I'm trying to drop those 10 pounds, save a few bucks, and go spend time with my family for thanksgiving... I miss them. It's hard living so far away from everyone, I feel so alone sometimes. It would be nice to have my sisters (sisters-in-law) around.

 I'm trying to be thankful for what I have... or don't have. Not having kids does have it's perks, I sleep when and however long I want. Dallen and I can literally pick up and go anywhere, anytime without a second thought. I love Dallen, if I can say anything about this whole experience it's that we are closer than ever. He is so supportive and even though I KNOW hearing me cry about babies gets old fast, he just holds me and tells me he loves me and sometimes that's all I want. We'll have kids someday, in the meantime I'll just keep doting over all my pregnant friends and their babies:). Maybe I'm just destined to be the worlds most amazing aunt... time will tell.