Failure

We tried our first round of artificial insemination last month... What a disaster!


The whole process is so stressful, at least one (very invasive) doctors appointment a week, a handful of pills everyday, I gave MYSELF a shot in the butt, I gained 10 pounds, and not to mention more people have seen my junk in the last month than probably have in my entire life. All in all for our first cycle cost us $820... yeah. I get so frustrated thinking about how much money we have and potentially will spend on just trying to get pregnant alone, an activity that a lot of people do ON ACCIDENT!
It's been 2 weeks since we found out it didn't work, during that time I have basically been mourning a death... it's the best way I can explain it. I've worked through the 5 stages of grief, I haven't done anything or talked to anyone unless I had to. I didn't imagine feeling so awful about it not working, I knew it was a possibility but since my doctor classified me as "fertile Myrtle" and that our odds were less of "if it works" and more "how many babies" my hopes were really high, I thought for sure it worked, I had all the symptoms but in the end there was just no baby. I don't know why it didn't work, I mean... scientifically it should be fail-proof. People who know (not very many) keep telling me "it's not the right time, God has a plan, when it's supposed to happen it will" even though I know it's true, I'm so sick of being told that. I don't want to wait, I've waited. We're good people, we're married, we love each other, we support ourselves financially without any outside help, we are active, we work hard... why do 15 year old's get babies? Drug addicts? Why do some people get to have as many as they could possibly want, more than they can take care of? I just don't understand, and I'm frustrated DAMN-IT!

Anyway... what can we do? Just keep trying... all my frustrations and anger and sadness don't change our situation. BUT, just when we finally get going after years of month after month after month of trying and failing. We finally have a real chance of getting pregnant, and our first round of insemination was such a HUGE failure that we have to wait at least one maybe 2 months before we can try again. Unfortunately, all of the hormones and pills I was taking to help over stimulated my ovaries and during my first appointment for our second cycle of insemination, my doctor found 2 large cysts one on each ovary. She put me on birth control which will essentially shut down my ovaries and give them a rest, they should resolve themselves and we can try again when they do. In the meantime I'm trying to drop those 10 pounds, save a few bucks, and go spend time with my family for thanksgiving... I miss them. It's hard living so far away from everyone, I feel so alone sometimes. It would be nice to have my sisters (sisters-in-law) around.

 I'm trying to be thankful for what I have... or don't have. Not having kids does have it's perks, I sleep when and however long I want. Dallen and I can literally pick up and go anywhere, anytime without a second thought. I love Dallen, if I can say anything about this whole experience it's that we are closer than ever. He is so supportive and even though I KNOW hearing me cry about babies gets old fast, he just holds me and tells me he loves me and sometimes that's all I want. We'll have kids someday, in the meantime I'll just keep doting over all my pregnant friends and their babies:). Maybe I'm just destined to be the worlds most amazing aunt... time will tell.

The First of Many

***DISCLAIMER***
The next unknown amount of posts are going to be about our infertility journey, some may be graphic, sad, or have too much info. Read or don't read, doesn't matter. I have debated greatly about weather or not to blog about our struggle since its a vulnerable situation that is often times embarrassing and I don't want anyone to feel sorry for us. But I have found a lot of comfort from other women's blogs and hope maybe someone out there will read mine :)

It seems like every night lately I dream about babies. This morning while I was getting ready for work, listening to Pandora as usual, a John Mayer song came on that says:

 

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for a moment you can hardly breathe"

 

While I realize this song is talking about a significant other, I sometimes feel similarly about our baby situation. Before we found out we were infertile I very rarely dreamed of babies, and if I did, they were never my own. Maybe it's partially the mentality of being told I can't makes me want it more. My heart truly is broken, with every forced smile, every passing baby bump, pregnant friend, pregnant teen, every movie/ tv show where people have babies in bad situations, it seems to crack a little more. Sometimes I just burst into uncontrollable sobs until there are no more tears and I feel like throwing up.

 

During our struggle to have a baby I've noticed a few things; people either want to tell me all kinds of things that are unintentionally hurtful (or sometimes intentionally), or they avoid talking to me about anything baby.

 

First of all, I LOVE babies. I get excited when people are pregnant, is it hard to hear sometimes? of course. But I don't blame anyone for our situation or hold it against them for being more fertile than us.  

 

Second of all, things no one struggling with infertility wants to hear:

 

When are you going to have kids?

There's something in the water, everyone's pregnant.

We got pregnant the first try with every kid

Stop trying, it will happen

Just adopt

Everything happens for a reason

you're young, why would you want a kid?

My personal favorite: Have you tried standing on your head, putting a pillow under your butt, drinking cough syrup, eating a bagel before. I love when people tell me how to have "get pregnant sex" (sarcasm included)

 

I feel slightly bad writing this post because I don't want anyone to think "will this girl ever shut up about it" or "oh no, I'm pregnant. She must hate me" I just need to vent, it's not an attack on anyone, and maybe I do need to shut up about it, but sadly it's a fact of my life I'll be dealing with for many years to come... this is just the tip of the iceberg. Also, I don't know that anyone actually reads my blog anyways!

The good, the bad, the journey

The last several months have been a huge whirlwind of emotions for us! Both good and bad.

We hit our 2 year in Arizona mark on August 18th! Some days I feel like it has been forever, others it seems like a blink of the eye. During this time I have felt like we have had a lot of bad experiences, like every major decision we have made has ended in miserable failure I know that sounds terrible but I have really struggled during our time here. With us going into our 3rd year at ASU we filled out (another) application for instate tuition at the beginning of the summer.

Dallens best friend Danny got married the day Dallen was supposed to start school and before we left my in-laws house the morning of the wedding, Dallen got the sad email that our application for tuition was denied. Needless to say we were upset furious! We had an hour drive to the temple where we (mostly me) cried and discussed what our options were. I was so angry I felt I shouldn't go to the wedding. But we decided to put our feelings aside and do our best to make that day about Danny and Gina.

 

I'm so thankful for my Heavenly Father. I know he put us in the right place at the right time, while we watched them get married for time and eternity it reminded us of what is most important. Each other. The anger and bitterness I felt before I entered the temple was overwhelming, but while in the temple that day the problems went out of our minds and we were able to love and support our friend and that day ended up being very special and enjoyable.  

 

We decided we had a few options and hope was not yet lost. We applied for an appeal with ASU where we were given a date (September 18th) when we would meet before a board and have 30 minutes to argue our case. We also applied to Utah State University and made arrangements to transfer starting in January just in case we were denied the appeal.

 

During the month between our initial denial and our appeal date we did a lot of fasting and praying, with the support of many family and friends. We had a huge decision to make. On one hand I love Utah and I know we would be happy there since that is where our families are and if we had to move then I felt like it would be ok. On the other, while we hate Arizona, we have built a life here; we both have jobs, we have a home that we have come to love and make our own, we are both in school (I just started this month!) and we have made so many great friends we would be sad to leave behind. 

 

I am a woman of little faith, I struggle with many things spiritually and while I have seen the Lord work miracles in my life it is hard for me to not feel like I am sometimes alone. I prayed that the lord would comfort me regardless of what decision the board came to, I prayed that I would learn to trust in His timing and that I would have the faith required to know He knew what was best for me. 

About a week before our appeal date I was feeling very strongly that the BEST option for us would be that we would be granted instate tuition and that we could stay here and finish his education with ASU. (For reasons I will post in future blogs)

 

Going into the hearing, I felt convinced we would not get it. I was so nervous and upset, I had spent the day putting together a folder full of emails, tax forms, bank statements, pay stubs anything and everything I thought would give us an edge. I felt so small and insignificant going into it, and if you know me you know I have a temper, and I have strong opinions. I worked very hard at being the most sweet, kind young woman I could be and answered all their questions honestly and respectfully. In the end it was a "no brainer" the questions they had about our financial independence were put to rest and we were granted our appeal!

 

We have both worked so hard and sacrificed so much to be where we are, I know the Lord is aware of us and I think I needed this trial in a way to be able to see that. Even though I would have been more than happy without it.

 

So we will be here for the next 2 years at least. I know we still have a long road ahead of us with many more trials, but I'm glad I picked a good, kind, patient man who loves and supports me through all the junk and support and love of such a large family and group of friends.

 



our new digs

Some pictures of our little town house as requested by my mom. Was going to wait until it was a little cleaner, but that will probably never happen ;)